LEGENDS…

The Memories of our existence.

The Times that make us who we are.

The People whom make a difference in our lives.

I listened to Kelsea Ballerini’s song Legends today, while figuring out what I was going to do today. Figuring out what to do other then go to work today.  Watching the video brought thoughts into my head, memories to mind and the thought of people brought tears to my eyes.

When you first think or look at the title to Her music video you think it’s about her possible journey. How she became where she is now. But as you begin to listen it’s about her and someone else. Now you watch the video and it’s of a woman and a man and the differences that bring them together in life. How they supported each other through the good and bad.  It’s how their lives become intertwined and they move forward as one. Making memories and living life day by day.

When I look back at the times that make me, the simple moments that make me, ME. I think about when I was punched in the mouth and my first tooth fell out. How I twisted the second loose tooth out.  I think about the times I had to make decisions between one thing or the next. I think about the mistakes I made. I think about the times it was Easy. How Laughing was like taking a breath, How when I walked it seemed like I ran. How everything was a blur of smiles and laughing. I think about the times it was Hard. How those hard times were long and sad. How taking a breath felt like razor blades. How taking a step forward felt like walking on coals. How walking forward felt no different them walking backwards.  When my world spun and dropped from underneath me. I think about when I was a child. I think about our big move two hours away from family. I think about the differences in people.

When I think about all the people I’ve met, and how they have made such a difference in my life…. It makes me smile and frown. I think of my Grandmother, my Mother, My sisters, and brothers. I think of my cousins, my friends, my adopted mothers, my adopted family and above all those I call best friends. What they all mean to me. I think of the ways they have impacted my life. I think about the times we’ve had. I think about the times that may come.

Then I think about all the people whom made an impact but have left this world. Firstly I think about the grandparents I didn’t get to meet. I think about the possibilities of how they may have impacted my life and how their absence impacted my life. I think about my uncle’s who were a big part of who I became. I think about the aunt’s who treated me fairly and watched over me. I think about the cousins whom I never met or lost early. I think about the fun times we had together.

Finally I think about my father. I remember the memories I’ve had with him. The memories I won’t be able to share. But knowing somewhere he’s there. I think about the times we laughed together, how we did silly and stupid things. I think about the times I got in trouble, and he grinned saying I was just like his family. I think about his hugs, and kisses, I think about his laughter, his hands. but mostly his impact on my life. I think about his loss impacted my life.

My whole point is… That the people in your life become legends, staples in your life. Memories become legends of heroism, courage, cowardice, happiness, sadness, and love. All these legends lead up to the legend you create for yourself.  So be aware of the legend you leave behind.

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Finding Hope…

Everyday I look for the Hope in others. I look for the Hope in the future. I look for the Hope in the Mirror

In ever breathe, in every touch, in every word I look for the hope of a better future.

It’s hard to find the Hope in yourself. On a day to day basis I hear people speak so negatively about others, and or themselves. It’s hard to find that simple string of Hope in their life and have them focus on that.

It’s Harder yet to find the Hope in yourself.

My Hope has always been a future full of love, happiness and family.  I lost my Hope when one of the biggest pieces of my Hope passed away. I’ve been searching for my Hope within the limitations that loosing that piece left me with.

Does that make sense? should I explain it in another way?

A Major piece of my world disappeared. In doing so I was tied down to several cinder blocks. That Major piece of my world allowed me so much freedom. That when I lost that piece I went into survival mode. Living off of the Hope for the future. to be unbound and set free once again.

I have been searching and searching for that piece of Hope outside myself. As if I were lost and completely Hopeless.

Finding Hope isn’t easy when your searching for it for yourself. That is the one gift The Lord has given me for certain. My gift of giving Hope to others. This gift has always come naturally for me. The smile on my face comes naturally to me. Finding Hope comes naturally….

For the last few years I have focused on trying to find the Hope within myself. I used to look in the Mirror and simply know that Hope was me. However the last few years I have slowly Lost Hope.

Today I found Hope again.

I found glimpses of Hope every now and again. However I found her and hold her within my grasp. It makes me happy to see her again to feel Her again.

Hope can be very fleeting so when you find that glimpse of Hope grab hold and hold on for dear life.  To loose Hope is quite a scary thing.

No matter what situation you are in there is always Hope. You just have to be brave enough to grasp it. The only person holding you back, tying you down, or limiting you is yourself. Remember Hope is always there it’s just you that have to receive her with open arms.

My Life…

When one asks you what you want to do with your life and all you do is stare at your past… Life has handed you reality.

When I was little I wanted to be grown up. I wanted to be a ballerina. I wanted to be a hair dresser. I wanted to be a mother. Above all else I wanted to be loved.

I am the daughter of a man on his third wife. A woman whom chose a man 19 years her senior. By that little decision I came into being. A blonde haired, blue eyed, healthy baby girl.

However torn between a mix isn’t as cracked up as it seems. My father was an alcoholic till I was 3 or 4. My mother was accused of cheating because I took after her side of the family. My personality was much like my mothers and my temper followed my fathers. In being such landed me to balancing on a tightrope.

My mothers dream for me was everything she couldn’t. My fathers dream for me was to take care of my mother and sister for the rest of my life.

But what do I want out of life?

I am almost 30 years of age. I’m in a relationship that confuses the fuck out of me. I am a new manager of a salon. In life I am lost.

The future is so unpredictable. It scares me to no end. It makes me think of so many questions.

  • If I stay in this relationship will I suffer? Will I ever be happy?
  • Will I ever be a mother?
  • Will I ever have my own home?
  • Will I ever feel whole?
  • Will I ever have sex?
  • Will I ever be someone’s everything?
  • Will I ever be able to lead others?
  • Do others see me with respect?
  • What do I do to achieve all these things?

What I do know is that Life isn’t simple. That you need to be honest and straight forward. Don’t completely hold back or you’ll burst. Be yourself. I have long been holding myself back and I fear letting go of that tight rein. Mostly for fear of what I may do!!!

This is only bits of my life. More to come, if it so peaks your interest….

Day to Day

From one moment to the next, many things can happen. However from Day to Day your world can change.

Why I bring this up is because I’m done. I’m done with just surviving day to day. I’m done with hoping everyday will be different when i’m not being different.

Have you ever felt like your day to day life is useless. Meaningless and pointless? I personally feel like I shouldn’t be alive and there isn’t any point in living.

But how can one say that and not eventually kill themselves?

There are days I want to take my own life. There are days I get caught up in the mundane and want to kill other people because they get on my nerves, or are disrupting what I want to do.

Besides it being illegal what’s stopping me?

Life, Love, self respect, but above it all I HOPE.

I hope in simple little things. Like a smile, or a touch. I hope for generosity, I hope for patience, I hope for compassion, But again Above all I Hope for Hope.

Many people including myself loose HOPE. Hope in our day to day lives affects our future.

Regrets

Regret:

feel sad, repentant, or disappointed over something that has happened or been done.

 

One of my favorite sayings is about regret. You can never get back a word once it’s said, a stone once it’s thrown and a deed once it’s done.
Words are extremely powerful and they have staying power. Many people don’t understand the power of their words. It’s hard for me, hard for me to keep my tongue from running off with itself. Especially when my emotions get the better of me.
Words can be stones in someone’s path. Words run and run, over and over in peoples heads. There is a saying about not being a stumbling block to others. But in anger or hurt words can spill out and become stumbling blocks to others.
What many people regret the most are what they do. The actions they take, and the motions they make. Once someone steps forward on a course of action it’s hard to go back. It becomes easier with every step, one step leads to another. But again once a deed is done there is no taking it back.
You could be on the right track and stumble over the words stuck in your head. Stumble from the weight of the stones in your heart. Tripping over the stones can lead you further down the oath, faster than you need to go. But holding the stones in your heart can weigh you down so terribly you will stop moving.

 

Inertia: a tendency to do nothing or to remain unchanged.

 

That is the deepest of all regrets in life. The lack of movement, the lack of motivation, to never change.
Even If you regret the words you chose, the stones your threw and the deeds you’ve done. You would greatly regret not saying them, throwing them and or doing them.
Regret is a double edged sword. If you move in the wrong direction you could regret it. However not taking the step may be your greatest regret. SO what are you to do?  Either way you are going to be impaled with regret. SO what are you to do?
Make it worth it. Regret only impales you if you only half ass it. Think about your words, are they truth, are they honest, is that how you feel? Then say them, but say them with love.  Aim your stones so they become the border of the path way. So that if you end up walking down memory lane you won’t get lost. Do what is necessary, kind and honest. Do every deed to survive but still hold true to who you are as a human being.
Regret is what you make of that double edged sword.

 

Insomnia

The thoughts are spinning creating a white wall that I can’t seem to pass

As I do my nightly routine my body starts to feel heavy as if sleep is near. However as I lay down my head I feel this energy inside me ready at any cost.

To wear myself down and rid myself of this energy I dance, listen to music, exercise, bin watch on episodes of my favorite television programs, walk up and down the stairs.

I feel exhausted. I keep yawning, my body is exhausted and feels like lead. I head to bed and again as I lay my head on the pillow I feel awake.

As I toss and turn to make sure it’s not how i’m laying. I stare at the ceiling.

The ceiling is again the same color as the thoughts spinning inside my head. So again I get up but this time I write out all the thoughts and emotions attached to such thoughts.

After crying and getting angry, after laughing and staring at the piece of paper before me. I feel not only my body is tired but my soul. So again I head to bed.

Now as I lay my head on the pillow I sigh with relief as my body, mind and soul are all in agreement. I fall asleep.

Now this isn’t always that easy. Sometimes I have to go through this process several times before I can get some sleep. Tonight is no exception. I sit here writing because I know that I’ve been wanting to write and if I don’t it will just be another thought spinning.

Sometimes I end up having to do things that are on my to do list, or things I’ve been needing to do.  Sometimes it’s peoples actions and or reactions to me that create thoughts that I go over and over.

Sometimes it’s not thoughts at all. Sometimes it isn’t a white wall of spinning thoughts. Sometimes it’s a deep darkness waiting for me.

If anyone who has experienced Insomnia you know what I’m talking about.

It’s not easy. Because the night you can’t sleep comes and you think are you serious I have to work, have kids, lots of important things to do, would like to be normal, or to simply be able to sleep.

 

Fear

Fear : an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat.

The top ten fears are:

  • germs
  • small places
  • thunder and lightning
  • dogs
  • open/ crowded spaces
  • heights
  • snakes
  • spiders
  • flying
  • wholes

I personally fear heights, flying, and death.

Death is the biggest one for me. I have almost died several times. Dying is not something one can control. Death can come at any point in time. We die slowly everyday, with every breathe.

There are many possibilities on how you can die. To think about it…. I can’t think about it without panicking.

The thing I am still learning is to not allow my fears, or panic because of my fears, stop me from living a healthy and fulfilling my life.

Have you ever heard of a fear of living? Fear of making the wrong decisions?

Many people have many different fears. Until January 26th I would have been able to tell you that I was a slightly confident and happy person. A woman who only feared heights and dying. Dying as in big deaths not every second I could die.

Now on the other hand I fear mostly everything. Is it irrational? Is it stupid? Am I driving myself insane? Am I over reacting?

Many people will not understand your fear. Nor will they understand what your fear can make you do or not do. For them it’s nothing, for them it’s not crippling and so they don’t understand. Don’t expect them to understand. Because they won’t.

Surround yourself with people who will listen and encourage you in a positive way.

Small , slow and steady steps. Just keep moving forward to conquer your fears.

Fear again can be crippling to you, your family, and your life. The only way to get your life back is to conquer your fears. Again small, slow and steady with the people who love and support you in a positive way.

It’s not easy but I know you can do it. I am, slowly but surely. With the Lord’s help.

Unpredictable

In the world of Panic attacks, the future is unpredictable.

Something you love, can become something you avoid, hate and eventually despise. Something you hated can become something you now find soothing.

Someone you loved, can become a stressful trigger. Someone you hated can become someone you show odd affection to.

The future is unpredictable.

My greatest fear is the future, In the same breathe my greatest Hope is in the future. For without Hope I have nothing at this point. For without Hope I have no future.

Future: the time or a period of time following the moment of speaking or writing; time regarded as still to come.

Hope:a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen, a feeling of trust.

Faith: complete trust or confidence in someone or something.

Without Hope can there be Faith? Without Faith can you have Hope?

Even though the Future is Unpredictable, we grasp for Hope, for Faith, and for Love. To panic about the future is lacking Hope. To panic about the Future is loosing Faith, and To panic again about the Future you’ve Lost Love.

Do not give up on the Future. For giving up on the unpredictable is like giving up on yourself.

Panic attacks are known to come an hour after you are triggered. Who has time to record every second of their lives? Who has time to figure all this out? Remember though that even though come panic attacks take time and some are instant that you are in control.

It can be tedious, because what’s unpredictable is not controllable. Fear not because what you can control is how you react to it.

Whatever you are facing that is causing your Panic attacks, don’t run.  Breathe, find a focus point, swallow, breathe again, find a happy thought, breathe, then make the decision to move. You are in control.

Panic attacks are not easy, far from it, but someone is here for you. Even if that person is simply me.

Panic Attacks

  • Rapid Heart Beat/ Chest Pains
  • Sweating
  • Shaking
  • Numbness/ Tingling in hands or feet
  • Shortness of Breathe
  • Dizziness/ Fogginess
  • A Feeling of Panic, Impending Doom, or Death
  • Loss of Control
  • Choking Feeling

January 26th I smoked Marijuana with a Neighbor. Later that night I had major Hallucinations and Delusions. All including sounds, actions, and feeling.

January 29th I started to have these symptoms. I was uncertain what was happening to me. I feared many possibilities. Luckily I reached out to a friend and she helped me discern what was happening.  At first I thought organs shutting down, stroke, seizure or possible death. Then could it have been the marijuana?

Did I get too high? Was there a possibility of overdose? What included In an overdose?

When these symptoms continued for more than a week I consulted with a councilor. All the symptoms I expressed to my councilor described an anxiety attack, until I said sweating. The one difference between the two.

How? Why?

I had to ask myself over and over, What caused this? Why was I suddenly having Panic attacks? I had never, that I could remember, ever had a panic attack before. Around and Around I went. Thinking over that night over and over again. In doing so causing myself to inadvertently continue having panic attacks.

You are not alone. Many people experience panic attacks, on a daily basis.

There are many different ways to refocus that panic energy.

  1. Inhale for 4 Mississippi’s, Exhale 4 Mississippi’s  for 5 minutes
  2. Find 5 things you can see, hear, smell, feel and taste. Focus on each one
  3. Jog in place, or any type of cardio
  4. Place a cold rag on the back of your neck, on your breast bone, and on your stomach
  5.  Meditation for 5 minutes or more
  6. Read the Bible out loud

It’s hard to take the time to do such things when your at work. So if you know your having Panic attacks then please inform your supervisor. Explain to them what is going on. This way they understand if you need to take an extra long break, or an extra trip to the restroom.

In my experience, I was lucky to have two managers whom understood what I was going through. Thankfully they supported me and asked me to let them know how things were going. Each one would check in every couple days to see how things were going. Having their support on something so new to me was simply a God Send.

If you do not have such a support, speak with a councilor and they can direct on to what you can legally do.

Word of WARNING:

  • Do not tell someone whose having a panic attack they are being irrational
  • Do not tell someone whose having a panic attack just get over it
  • Do not completely avoid what triggers you
  • Do not directly confront what triggers you by yourself
  • Believe you can conquer this, because you can  

Know that again you may feel alone. You aren’t alone. There are support groups, and community groups you can go to and talk about what ‘s going on. Talk about core issues and ways you can combat the panic.

I personally did not and have not been put on any beta blockers or prescription medications. I take a multivitamin, b12 complex lozenges and I see a councilor once a week to discuss what is at the core of my panic attacks.

I hope this helps and gives you an idea about what panic attacks are like and how you can combat them.

HMF out!